Now that time has lost all meaning, I’ve been spending a lot of it on Vera Wang.
I’m so bummed about the CNE padlocking the Princes’ Gates this summer. Stupid pandemic. I had hatched a perfect scheme. I was going to kidnap Vera Wang, take her to the Ex every day it was open and then wager big bets with the carnival dude who guesses ages.
“Take a good look, carnival dude. How old is this fashion designer?”
And then I’d use my winnings to bribe Vera into spilling the beans and live forever.
Does she sleep in a hypobaric chamber? Does she eat sprouts watered with kitten tears? Does she bathe in unicorn blood? Is she from another dimension? Did she take part in a covert CIA experiment when she was 21 that stalled her aging process?
Is Vera Wang a vampire from the 17th century? Is she from the future?
I have no clue. But I defy you to scroll her Instagram and tell me the ridiculously toned woman with newborn skin was born during the Truman administration.
Normally, I’d object to the three extra w’s and a triple exclamation, but a TMZ headline this week nailed my feelings: “Designer Vera Wang Wowwww… No Way She’s 70!!!”
And next month she turns 71?!?!?!
Now, look. I hate the term “fake news” as much as the next defensive journalist. But if you expect me to believe Vera Wang was born in 1949, I don’t know what’s real anymore. You’re telling me she turned 18 when the Leafs last won the Cup? Or that she celebrated 30 the same year Sid Vicious died? Or that her 50th birthday party unfolded before Y2K?
Just based on her photos, is it not more logical to conclude Vera Wang is a time traveller who breaks the transtemporal monotony designing wedding gowns for celebrity pals? Think about it. Isn’t it a little odd that some of her clients — including Ivanka Trump, Victoria Beckham and Kim Kardashian — also seem impervious to Father Time? What do they know?
It can’t be what she’s telling us rubes. As the New York Post reported this week, Wang claims the secret to ageless beauty is “work, sleep, a vodka cocktail, not much sun.”
Fake News!!! I do all that stuff and now look like I’m pushing 85!!!
If the Fountain of Youth really contained Grey Goose, I’d be an embryo.
In another story, “Entertainment Tonight” posted 10 snaps of Wang in quarantine. Her natural habitat appears to be a modern mansion with marble steps and a private lake, which is probably where she hides the mother ship. I will also note Wang is posing outdoors in seven shots and perched next to a huge window in an eighth.
This casts serious doubt on the “not much sun” business. So the next leg of my investigation was to uncover any dietary secrets. Have you ever heard of a septuagenarian with six-pack abs? Me neither. Unfortunately, by deadline, I had only stumbled upon one food post that, quite shockingly, showcased cheese balls, Cheetos and … what the hell, is that a Kinder Surprise egg?
Surprise! The woman eating this trash started grade-school when Churchill resigned!
In response to one Twitter user who was also too dumbfounded to take off the caps-lock — “VERA WANG IS 70?!?! — she replied with a sassy, “Fact Check: Truth.”
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I can’t get my mom to open an email attachment and this eternal teenager is killing it on social.
It’s been fascinating to watch the boldface in lockdown. And by “fascinating,” I mean, “what else are we supposed to do?” But I do appreciate the tips, whether it’s a stressed-out Padma Lakshmi offering a tutorial on how to chug tequila out of the bottle or U.S. Senator Mark Warner giving a master-class in how to make an absolutely disgusting tuna melt.
But the ultimate tip for humanity? This can only come from Vera Wang.
The pandemic has robbed us of valuable time, time we could get back if Ms. Wang would just tell us how she got trapped in her 20s. I know it’s rude to ask a woman her age and it’s wrong to objectify her body. But look at this photo of Wang out for a bike ride — look at her!
She has muscles near her shoulders and lower back that are so rare I don’t even know what they’re called. Her legs look like they were manufactured by Mattel. She has the silhouette of a sorority pledge. She has an ethereal aura because she’s clearly not of this world.
What’s the real secret, Vera? And don’t say squat about genetics unless it involves alien DNA. Your youth-field is so powerful that even mortals standing next to you look decades younger.
In one image, Wang is posing with Michael Bloomberg. It’s allegedly 2019.
All I’m saying is Mike has rosy cheeks and the lips of a toddler.
These photos are as shocking as the pandemic itself.
And I want in, Vera. Don’t make me kidnap you and drag you to the circus. If you’re not ready to spill the beans publicly, then send me an off-the-record email. Please also include a photo attachment. You know, like that time you went hiking with Charles Darwin.
Or the time you designed a wedding gown for Lady Jane Grey.
Time has lost all meaning right now.
And nothing makes less sense than VERA WANG IS 70?!?!?!