Cover: US has the exclusive: Duchess Kate is nice! Her retinue guides us on a tepid trip through her habits, including jogging, swimming and watching Game of Thrones with Prince William, whose reaction would be fascinating, eg. “I’d have beheaded the lot of ‘em a long time ago.” Their son George “marches to his own drum” while Princess Charlotte marches more to the drums of others, which, make no mistake, our adult world, with its many armies and bands, much prefers.
Moment of truth: Pauley Perrette tweeted that she’s “terrified” of former NCIS co-star Mark Harmon after saying she was “physically assaulted” on set. On the same page, US alludes to the sex bench that Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson were seen carrying home. This is all verifiable actual news that I forgot about. What is happening to you, US?
Cover: Bradley Cooper’s old relationship is over and the mags couldn’t be any happier — not if Jennifer Aniston got pregnant, not if Robert Wagner died. No evidence yet that he’s dating Stefani Germanotta, alias Lady Gaga, but fans demand it be so, so In Touch offers anonymous allegations while us fans argue over their couple name: Brafani Coomanotta or Stedley Gerper?
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Pale rider: Madonna’s tour rider is published and is disgracefully reasonable — no kitten wranglers or M&M sorting. Trickiest item is a massage table, both reasonable and easily borrowed/adapted from Cara Delevingne and Ashley Benson.
Cover: OMG! PS: Angelina Jolie and Keanu Reeves’ date hasn’t, you know, actually happened.
Madge of honour: Since one company owns all these mags, it’s no surprise that Star also has a piece on Madonna’s tour rider BUT they found the choice bit: She insists on new, never-used toilets. This is the one you’d ask for, too; somewhere, Mariah Carey is slapping her forehead.
Drake’s quest for love finally finds something solid: Stargazing
Garnet Fraser is a deputy entertainment editor and a contributor to the Star’s Entertainment section. He is based in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter: @garnetfraser